The calendar says January 22, 2011. I seem a little obsessed with time these days, I'm not sure why. Maybe I feel that time is the only gift that I can not afford to put on a shelf and pick up later. I guess being middle aged will do that to a person. So, I will try this year to make the most of those precious moments...you know the ones that make up the happy times, the sad times, the frustrating times, the peaceful times and the all around everyday events that I call, life!
I've started the year by reading Joseph Princes' Destined to Reign book. Wow...there are some very powerful and thought provoking statements in this book. But I feel that this is a very important time for me to take hold of the goodness of God and let him lead me through troubled waters...in to the still waters that await. This year has already brought some challenges and I am embarking on a new lifestyle. This is not because I love healthy food...although someday I hope to be able to say that. It's because...well...because of the challenges.
I am looking forward to 2011 with great anticipation and with a little apprehension. I believe this is the year that my children will make some very important decisions regarding their futures. I believe this is the year that I will make some very important decisions regarding my future. I believe this is the year I will see a breakthrough in some of the things I have been dealing with the last 2 years. I am well aware that when you are on the verge of breakthrough, that is when opposition is the strongest.
Lord help me to live the life you planned for me. A life of freedom and victory. A life of peace, love and joy in the Holy Ghost.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Friday, December 10, 2010
On this day.
On this day, December 11th, one year ago I was spending a very emotional last day in Mexico City. On this day two years ago, I was spending a very emotional last day with my mother. Each of these days has had a profound effect on my life.
Seeing the poverty of the people who live in the dumps of Mexico City, moved me in a way I never expected it to. These people were happy. They did not seem desperate, they did not seem to feel sorry for themselves. Their joy, became my joy. And yet their way of life broke my heart. I was so proud of my daughter for her hard work while serving the poor and I thought of my mom many times during that trip. In fact, I took that trip as a way to honor my mom's memory. I did not want to mark the one year anniversary of her death with tears of sorrow, although I did cry. I cried for the sweet people who flocked to our bus for Christmas presents and groceries that day. I cried because I was moved with compassion.
I can not explain how December 11th, 2008 effected my life. I could go on and on about the agony of the 8 days prior to my mom's passing. I wept for her during those days, like I have never wept before. I wept for her suffering and I wept because I knew she wanted so desperately to live. But it was not to be. My heart was broken in a way that defies words. I have said many goodbyes in the last 11 years, but nothing prepared me for this.
Life has moved forward in the last two years. Things have changed and things will continue to change. For this is what life is about. We have days that change us. There are moments and events that mark us. I have no doubt that I will be ok, even though my mom is gone, just as I have no doubt that my trip to Mexico City will forever hold a special place in my heart. But every year on December 11th, for the rest of my life, I will remember the loss of my mother.....and then I will remember the dumps of Mexico and the healing I found there.
Seeing the poverty of the people who live in the dumps of Mexico City, moved me in a way I never expected it to. These people were happy. They did not seem desperate, they did not seem to feel sorry for themselves. Their joy, became my joy. And yet their way of life broke my heart. I was so proud of my daughter for her hard work while serving the poor and I thought of my mom many times during that trip. In fact, I took that trip as a way to honor my mom's memory. I did not want to mark the one year anniversary of her death with tears of sorrow, although I did cry. I cried for the sweet people who flocked to our bus for Christmas presents and groceries that day. I cried because I was moved with compassion.
I can not explain how December 11th, 2008 effected my life. I could go on and on about the agony of the 8 days prior to my mom's passing. I wept for her during those days, like I have never wept before. I wept for her suffering and I wept because I knew she wanted so desperately to live. But it was not to be. My heart was broken in a way that defies words. I have said many goodbyes in the last 11 years, but nothing prepared me for this.
Life has moved forward in the last two years. Things have changed and things will continue to change. For this is what life is about. We have days that change us. There are moments and events that mark us. I have no doubt that I will be ok, even though my mom is gone, just as I have no doubt that my trip to Mexico City will forever hold a special place in my heart. But every year on December 11th, for the rest of my life, I will remember the loss of my mother.....and then I will remember the dumps of Mexico and the healing I found there.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Thankfulness
Thanksgiving is just around the corner...then of course Christmas will be just around the corner. My, where has the time gone? Time and life are just flying by it seems. Even when we slow down and try to enjoy things...we hear the calendar nagging in our ears that the days are passing swiftly.
Bo and I have been talking lately about being old and specifically about being passed middle aged. Yes, at 47, I realize that over half of my life is gone. Then I start to think about my mother. She died at age 64. Just 17 years older than I am now. We have no promise of tomorrow so enjoying the day should be a priority. Loving and helping people is a wonderful way to make the most of each day.
God help me to remember to be thankful for and enjoy each day.
Bo and I have been talking lately about being old and specifically about being passed middle aged. Yes, at 47, I realize that over half of my life is gone. Then I start to think about my mother. She died at age 64. Just 17 years older than I am now. We have no promise of tomorrow so enjoying the day should be a priority. Loving and helping people is a wonderful way to make the most of each day.
God help me to remember to be thankful for and enjoy each day.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Fear and Faith
Wow..I'm not keeping up well with the blog thing but this morning is the perfect time to put my thoughts...and fears in black and white and let them go!
This has been an emotional week with a few glimmers of hope and peace sprinkled amongst the shadow of fear and tragic memory. I have looked back with regret and looked forward with anxiety. I have felt the peace of God and the panic of doubt. I have traveled the road of memory and chances lost. So...now what?
Do I wallow in self-pitty and regret or move forward...leaving the past behind? Do I allow the awesome, powerful, terrifying, transfigured Christ to beckon me to higher heights and deeper faith? Or do I allow despair to swallow me because of paralyzing fear?
My heart is moving forward as my mind is racing backward. My comfort is leaning on the everlasting arms, yet my fingers seem just out of reach of the hem of His garment. This too shall pass and I WILL move on to deeper faith...to a testimony that firmly shows that in my greatest times of sorrow and fear...I kept on trusting. My testimony is that doubt and fear did not destroy my faith...it did not even weaken my faith. My faith has conquered my fear. This is how we overcome...even our faith!
This has been an emotional week with a few glimmers of hope and peace sprinkled amongst the shadow of fear and tragic memory. I have looked back with regret and looked forward with anxiety. I have felt the peace of God and the panic of doubt. I have traveled the road of memory and chances lost. So...now what?
Do I wallow in self-pitty and regret or move forward...leaving the past behind? Do I allow the awesome, powerful, terrifying, transfigured Christ to beckon me to higher heights and deeper faith? Or do I allow despair to swallow me because of paralyzing fear?
My heart is moving forward as my mind is racing backward. My comfort is leaning on the everlasting arms, yet my fingers seem just out of reach of the hem of His garment. This too shall pass and I WILL move on to deeper faith...to a testimony that firmly shows that in my greatest times of sorrow and fear...I kept on trusting. My testimony is that doubt and fear did not destroy my faith...it did not even weaken my faith. My faith has conquered my fear. This is how we overcome...even our faith!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Understanding
I simply don't understand why some things happen. I got some very sad news tonight that a precious lady from church is in the valley of shadow of death. She is a sweet woman who I know wanted to live. She wanted to win her battle with cancer. She wanted to be here for many more years to enjoy her friends and family. But...maybe it's not meant to be...maybe this is one of the things I will never understand. I trust God..that is the bottom line. If she doesn't make it...I still trust Him. After all the death beds I have stood by, I have accepted that I will not understand everything that happens. God has not promised me understanding...he has promised me peace and comfort.
Lord, help me to rely on you and you alone. My understanding is so frail and so fragile. I am subject to emotion and worry, but you are the giver of life and peace and comfort. Help me to lean not on my own understanding...but to acknowledge you in everything...and you will carry me through. Amen
Lord, help me to rely on you and you alone. My understanding is so frail and so fragile. I am subject to emotion and worry, but you are the giver of life and peace and comfort. Help me to lean not on my own understanding...but to acknowledge you in everything...and you will carry me through. Amen
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Change
Some things have to change...mostly me. I have to make some changes in my life so that my future will be better. God is with me and he gives me the strength to triumph...so this will be no different. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I will overcome. His strength will be made perfect in my weakness. So...what to do now. Go about my days and just wait for a change of heart or a change in desire? Pray harder, pray better, live better, act better, trust God more, depend on my own willpower less. Yes, those are all good things but the bottom line is....I'm getting older and if I want to live healthy...I have to change. I must do this for myself and for Bo. We are the temples of the Holy Ghost.
Lord, help me to remember who I am. I am your temple. I am your representative. I want to represent you well. Help me to depend on you when I am weak and to focus on you...and your power to change me. Amen.
Lord, help me to remember who I am. I am your temple. I am your representative. I want to represent you well. Help me to depend on you when I am weak and to focus on you...and your power to change me. Amen.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Family
It's family night tonight and I am sooo looking forward to it. I think I'm changing..not that I haven't always loved my family...because I have. It's just that I now appreciate the time we spend together more. We're all getting older and our lives are busy and sometimes filled with stress. Family time is a little bit of relaxation and fun to keep us all grounded in what's important.
Lord help me to value time and family even more. Help me to realize that nothing is more important than loving and supporting and finally taking them all to heaven with me...so family time can last for eternity. Amen.
Lord help me to value time and family even more. Help me to realize that nothing is more important than loving and supporting and finally taking them all to heaven with me...so family time can last for eternity. Amen.
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