On this day.

On this day, December 11th, one year ago I was spending a very emotional last day in Mexico City.  On this day two years ago, I was spending a very emotional last day with my mother.  Each of these days has had a profound effect on my life.

Seeing the poverty of the people who live in the dumps of Mexico City, moved me in a way I never expected it to.  These people were happy.  They did not seem desperate, they did not seem to feel sorry for themselves.  Their joy, became my joy.  And yet their way of life broke my heart.  I was so proud of my daughter for her hard work while serving the poor and I thought of my mom many times during that trip.  In fact, I took that trip as a way to honor my mom's memory.  I did not want to mark the one year anniversary of her death with tears of sorrow, although I did cry.  I cried for the sweet people who flocked to our bus for Christmas presents and groceries that day.  I cried because I was moved with compassion.

I can not explain how December 11th, 2008 effected my life.  I could go on and on about the agony of the 8 days prior to my mom's passing.   I wept for her during those days, like I have never wept before.  I wept for her suffering and I wept because I knew she wanted so desperately to live.  But it was not to be.  My heart was broken in a way that defies words.  I have said many goodbyes in the last 11 years, but nothing prepared me for this.

Life has moved forward in the last two years.  Things have changed and things will continue to change.  For this is what life is about.  We have days that change us.  There are moments and events that mark us. I have no doubt that I will be ok, even though my mom is gone, just as I have no doubt that my trip to Mexico City will forever hold a special place in my heart. But every year on December 11th, for the rest of my life, I will remember the loss of my mother.....and then I will remember the dumps of Mexico and the healing I found there.

Thankfulness

Thanksgiving is just around the corner...then of course Christmas will be just around the corner.  My, where has the time gone?  Time and life are just flying by it seems.  Even when we slow down and try to enjoy things...we hear the calendar nagging in our ears that the days are passing swiftly. 

Bo and I have been talking lately about being old and specifically about being passed middle aged.  Yes, at 47, I realize that over half of my life is gone.  Then I start to think about my mother.  She died at age 64.  Just 17 years older than I am now.  We have no promise of tomorrow so enjoying the day should be a priority.  Loving and helping people is a wonderful way to make the most of each day. 

God help me to remember to be thankful for and enjoy each day. 

Fear and Faith

Wow..I'm not keeping up well with the blog thing but this morning is the perfect time to put my thoughts...and fears in black and white and let them go!

This has been an emotional week with a few glimmers of hope and peace sprinkled amongst the shadow of fear and tragic memory.  I have looked back with regret and looked forward with anxiety.  I have felt the peace of God and the panic of doubt.  I have traveled the road of memory and chances lost.  So...now what?

Do I wallow in self-pitty and regret or move forward...leaving the past behind?  Do I allow the awesome, powerful, terrifying, transfigured Christ to beckon me to higher heights and deeper faith?  Or do I allow despair to swallow me because of paralyzing fear?

My heart is moving forward as my mind is racing backward.  My comfort is leaning on the everlasting arms, yet my fingers seem just out of reach of the hem of His garment.  This too shall pass and I WILL move on to deeper faith...to a testimony that firmly shows that in my greatest times of sorrow and fear...I kept on trusting.  My testimony is that doubt and fear did not destroy my faith...it did not even weaken my faith.  My faith has conquered my fear.  This is how we overcome...even our faith!

Understanding

I simply don't understand why some things happen.  I got some very sad news tonight that a precious lady from church is in the valley of shadow of death.  She is a sweet woman who I know wanted to live.  She wanted to win her battle with cancer.  She wanted to be here for many more years to enjoy her friends and family.  But...maybe it's not meant to be...maybe this is one of the things I will never understand.  I trust God..that is the bottom line.  If she doesn't make it...I still trust Him.  After all the death beds I have stood by, I have accepted that I will not understand everything that happens.  God has not promised me understanding...he has promised me peace and comfort.

Lord, help me to rely on you and you alone.  My understanding is so frail and so fragile.  I am subject to emotion and worry, but you are the giver of life and peace and comfort.  Help me to lean not on my own understanding...but to acknowledge you in everything...and you will carry me through.  Amen

Change

Some things have to change...mostly me.  I have to make some changes in my life so that my future will be better.  God is with me and he gives me the strength to triumph...so this will be no different.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  I will overcome. His strength will be made perfect in my weakness.  So...what to do now.  Go about my days and just wait for a change of heart or a change in desire?  Pray harder, pray better, live better, act better, trust God more, depend on my own willpower less.  Yes, those are all good things but the bottom line is....I'm getting older and if I want to live healthy...I have to change.  I must do this for myself and for Bo.  We are the temples of the Holy Ghost.

Lord, help me to remember who I am.  I am your temple.  I am your representative.  I want to represent you well.  Help me to depend on you when I am weak and to focus on you...and your power to change me.  Amen.

Family

It's family night tonight and I am sooo looking forward to it.  I think I'm changing..not that I haven't always loved my family...because I have.  It's just that I now appreciate the time we spend together more.  We're all getting older and our lives are busy and sometimes filled with stress.  Family time is a little bit of relaxation and fun to keep us all grounded in what's important.

Lord help me to value time and family even more.  Help me to realize that nothing is more important than loving and supporting and finally taking them all to heaven with me...so family time can last for eternity. Amen.

Looking back...looking forward

We are preparing for Dad and Dana's 40th anniversary.  My job today has been to pick up some things for decorating (which I love) and go through some old photos for a DVD we are having made for them.  I'm also a bit overwhelmed with trying to help Enrique get a new loan for his house.  I need this to be done so that my mom's estate can be settled.  This is where my past and my present and my future collided tonight.  As I planned for the party and I fretted over all of the paperwork I need to take care of for Enrique, I also took a couple of hours and revisited days gone by. 

The photos were a keen reminder of days and years that are no more.  A reminder of family members who have gone on to heaven...a sad reminder that they are deeply missed.  A reminder of the days when I carried my children in my arms...they no longer sit on my lap but they are even more in my thoughts and prayers as they begin lives of their own. 

It was a busy day...and a sad day as well.  Looking back at times and people that are gone forever.....and looking forward to happy events and the fulfillment of dreams and plans.  Lord help me to place my past and my future in your loving, all knowing hands.  Help me to neither forget my past nor dwell on my past.  Help me to look forward and press on toward the things you have called me to.  Amen

Be faithful to your good upbringing

Yesterday we celebrated my Papaw Burns' 93rd birthday.  It was a bittersweet day for me.  Several of his old friends came to the nursing home to cheer him and sing Happy Birthday.  But seeing those old friends made me realize how quickly life is passing for him.  My grandmother has been gone for 11 years now and in the past year Papaw's health has deteriorated tremendously.  It breaks my heart to see him living in a nursing home...the one thing he always said he never wanted to do.  After the stroke, he could no longer walk or care for himself in any way so a nursing home was the best option for him.  It's a clean place and seems safe and though he always says "I'm going home soon", we know this will most likely be the place he will take his final breath.

The party made me miss my grandma and think about my years as a youngster and the time I spent with them.  They took me to church and encouraged me to sing and play the piano.  I always felt safe with them.  My thoughts of days gone by prompted me to pick up the little New Testament Bible they gave when I was young and while thumbing through it I came across an underlined scripture. 1 Timothy 3:14 -  But continue thou in the things which thou has learned and hast been assured of, knowing of whom thou has learned them."  This little Bible has paraphrased this portion of scripture this way "Be faithful to your good upbringing".

Lord, I am so thankful for my grandparents and my good upbringing.  I'm thankful for good parents and people that loved me.  I'm thankful for the things I was taught as a child and for the many many blessings in my life.  Help me to never forget my good upbringing. Amen

Personality

So Pastor Doug spoke last night on the resources we use to walk in the gifts that God has placed in us.  He used the word SHAPE to illustrate what he was saying.  S=spiritual gifts. H=heart. A=abilities. P=personality E=experience.  The most intriguing part of the message was his descriptions of the different personality traits.  The Lion, the Otter, the Golden Retriever and the Beaver.  On our way home, Bo and I discussed which personality traits we had and then we discussed other people's personality types.  Oh my, I am amazed at the issues I have with certain personality types.  (I shouldn't get in to that!)  Let's just say that the Lion in me rares up when I see people who have so much, run from helping others.  I also pondered the personalities of my children...so different from each other that I wonder how they could have been raised in the same home.  Yet God, in his wisdom, has chosen us to do His work, no matter what our personality type.  He has placed gifts, abilities, passion and experience in each of us so that we can accomplish His purpose for us. 

Help me Lord to flow with my gifts, to never judge another persons weakness or strength. Help me to be who YOU have called me to be. Help me to use every resource to be the best "me" I can be.

Watch your tongue

I worked all day today, which is not my favorite thing to do.  It's not that it's hard, it's not that I mind getting up, it's not that I don't like the boss or the people I work with.  I just don't like my job.  I don't like sitting at a desk all day and I especially don't like that I don't feel productive.  I want to make a difference...and pushing a pencil for a big insurance company is not my idea of making a difference.  So...after work I visited Bo's cousin, Sandy. She has suffered many health problems in her life and the only thing I did was listen to her woes and remind her that she can only do so much.  I encouraged her to leave the things she can not change to God and to watch what she says.  She kept telling me that she wouldn't be here long and that she spends too much money on medicine and that nothing they do makes her better.  I quoted her the scripture that the power of life and death were in her tongue.  I need to heed this advice also...the power of life and death....sobering thought.  Help me Lord to watch my tongue.

Compassion

Went to church this morning, as is my usual practice.  There was a guest speaker which can sometimes make you wish you had stayed home.  I don't mean that to be disrespectful, but we all know it's the truth.  Oh what a shame it would have been to have missed this speaker.  His name was Bruce Deel and he is the founder of an Atlanta inner city ministry.  His stories of his life in one of the roughest neighborhoods of Atlanta were both funny and inspiring.  As he ended his message he prayed that our hearts would be broken with what breaks the heart of God. 

It's hard to think of living a life that's mission is to serve others.  We live in such a selfish world.  Let's face it, there wouldn't be a need for much ministry if every Christian did what God has told us to do...to love one another as we love ourselves.  If every Christian made it their job to seek out the hurting and needy amoung us, I do believe that welfare and drug programs would all but cease to exist.  Jesus was moved with compassion every where he went.  Sadly, we, the church, are very rarely moved with compassion.  We have wasted the most precious gift that God has given us.....a broken heart. 

God, please help me to see hurting people the way you see them.  Help me to look at the needy and broken through your eyes.  Eyes of love and compassion.  Amen

Today's mission

Today I have decided to start a blog.  A sort of diary of things that happen to be important for the day.  I guess the biggest thing today is...the blog.  Why do I want a blog...I'm not sure.  Maybe it's because facebook lacks privacy.  I don't want lot's of peole to read this...maybe I will be the only one to read it. And that will be fine.  I don't really have good writing skills and I don't have a lot to share, so this may just be for me.  Yes...just for me.  So what's important today?  I went to the flea market today to look for an electric tart warmer for someone.  Success!  I got one for $5!  The flea market is a strange place, in my opinion.  I like it, but I don't feel like it's my kind of place...they do however have a few shops that are most assuredly my kind of places.
So..I have completed my first blog...boring and uninspiring....let's see how long this lasts. ;o)